Football

I know practically nothing about football, and I freely admit it.

I support the wrong team, I have the wrong opinions, and I like the wrong players.

I will happily sit there and argue that, actually, Rooney isn't that special and has shown a remarkable lack of development from his original promise.

Don't get me started as to why I think Stephen Gerrard is a twat and a useless player - and no, I couldn't care less if he is a nice person.

Mark Lawrenson - do me a favour. Seriously, the next time they ask you for your punditing skills, piss off down the chippy and get me a bag of chips and curry sauce and let my one year old take your place.

One thing that I categorically know though - Alan Curbishley is a man with a face designed for me to do a really big smelly fart onto. And then maybe kick him in the testes. He is smug beyond smug. I have no idea how he does it - how can he grin when analysing a game we should have won?

As I say, I know nothing about football, but I do know whose face I want to fart on.