Bitterness, mentalism and meaning it when you say sorry

Over the course of the last few decades, I have had varying degrees of depression (or as we will refer to it herein, mentalism). This has resulted in some quite different public personalities that I have chosen to adopt, picked for their ability to protect me from getting wounded (emotionally or otherwise).

My most easily worn is, of course, Bitch Karen, which I have been using since I was 15 or so. There has also been Drunk Karen (she is utterly awful); Regretful Karen (prone to quivering lip and moist eyes); Mad Karen (not a good look) and Quiet Karen (she's scary).

These have been employed with the result that only those who can really be bothered, or see a bit of a spark in me can get anywhere near who I am. Others will always be shot down with an offhand comment (mostly deliberate but not always), an offensive remark or a dismissive look.

Of course, Real Karen is all of those components and a bit more. Real me is a quiet and shy; loves literature, comedy, and music; doesn't like horses as they are too veiny, used to eat chicken as it was the closest DNA relative to the dinosaur and adores her children with a passion. She also quite likes the idea of hooking up with someone properly one day, and although not ready for it at the moment, she can see it might happen one day if only she could meet someone good enough for her kids, which is unlikely.

I'm not really sure why I am writing this, apart from I read a blog post that made me very sad for all the wrong reasons.

During the course of my mentalism, I have done some truly awful things to others and myself that are just unforgivable. That isn't to say that I haven't had unpleasant things done to me too, but here's the thing.

I don't want to become bitter. I think I'd prefer it if you didn't either.

So, I am going to request that all the really shit bits in your life that you can do something about - the things that you can move on from, the bits that you can compartmentalise - and, to some degree, the bits that you can't do anything about - people you love who are too idiotic to love you back, the fear of being alone, those you have loved, lost and won't be getting back however much you wish you could - box them up. Put each bit in a visualised box, put on a mental post it note of contents, and then put it in a cupboard, then shut the door.

It isn't locked. You can go and look at the contents anytime you need to, but you don't have to rake through the contents every time you feel a bit crap.

In the meantime your mission is to get on with your life. Try to let the anniversaries of things that hurt you, the things that do damage to you that you do not need and merely cling to in the hope of punishing the other person pass by without event. Try to neglect to remember the date. In time, it will strike you after the date has passed. To begin with you will feel pain at "forgetting", but this too will pass. In time, you will feel better because you have set that which you do not need to hold dear free.

I'm not telling you to forget about the things and people you hold dear, I'm just suggesting you examine which of those things you hold for yourself (grief at the death of a loved one and the loss you have from their dying) and which of those you hold to exact revenge on someone who has left your life through their choice (to get even with an ex).

In the long run, all any of us want is to be peaceful, and whilst we are bitter for what wasn't, what was, what is no longer and what can never be, we won't find it. And whilst "forgiveness does not change the past, it does enlarge the future." (Paul Boese)

So I suppose what I am saying is that I am sorry - most of the people this is for will never read this, they'll never know, and even if they did they wouldn't care but I will and I do.

I'm sorry I acted so appallingly. I'm more sorry that I held you implicitly to blame for being yourself. I think I'm ready to be myself now, with my many awful character traits. I'm not sure we'll get on but hey - I don't want to be someone else anymore, to be so would be to become bitter and as I said - I don't want that. Sorry.