Green Eyes

After I split with The Boy's father, I made a small vow to myself that I would never have a relationship with another person, and that it would be me and The Boy.

I stuck to that for some time.   Sometimes I dated people, sometimes I just had sex with them.  There was a few people who I thought were special amongst those I dated, who I thought things could develop with, none amongst those I merely slept with.

I wasn't pining for anyone, I wasn't waiting for anyone, I just wanted to get better in myself, and make a life for me and my family.

Time moves on, you continue your journey.  You stop thinking about meeting anyone, because you no longer particularly want to.  Thoughts of "what if" have long since evaporated (apart from on a particularly navel gazing day); ideas of what could have been creep into your head with less frequency until they cease altogether;  and you determine that you will remain as you are.  The fear of being alone leaves you; you recognise that you can be alone in a roomful of people, and being by yourself is no longer something that frightens you.

You don't even realise how hardened and set in your ways you have become, and then it hits you - whilst you were busy building metaphorical brick walls around yourself; whilst you were hardening your heart to ensure that you were never hurt again, someone crept in and you didn't even notice.  That someone has surreptitiously taken a huge part of your heart, insidiously worming their way into your affections and now you can neither imagine (and nor do you want to) life without them.

I was waiting yesterday for a person I hadn't even realised had become my someone. I had been to a meeting, and was eager to see them.  It felt a little like we hadn't seen a lot of each other this week, and I had been missing them desperately.  We usually hang out a lot together, but they've had other things on, other activities, and having started a new day job, they are mingling with new people and making new friends.

The casual familiarity with which one of their new workmates spoke about them to me, as if they had known them forever and I for only a short while rather than the truth of their lack of intimacy of knowledge, hit me like a shot to the heart.   

It is the part of any love based relationship that I dread - I was jealous, and desperately so.  It would be a test for me, a test for us, as to whether I could act maturely and conquer it without it rearing its head.

I smiled dismissively, and waited to catch the eye of my someone.  Once achieved, an enormous smile, a rush to get to me, followed by a loud proclamation of "Mummy! It's my mummy!" assured me that she hadn't forgotten me just yet, that there was still a space for me in her busy schedule, that we could still hang out together like we used to, but now on different terms.

Lid is enjoying Nursery and doing well.  Me - not so much, but as Lid likes to point out, Mummy has green eyes.