Why?

My question today is why?

Why, when I have been on mentalism tablets for three years on and off, when I've had counselling for a decade, when  I have done everything I can to escape the black dog am I still being chased by it?  Why can't I fucking escape it?  Why does it have me by the ankle, chewing at my clothes, when everyone else can get away from it.

Why are others, who have been on medication for a little while, had a few sessions of counselling, why are they "better"?  Why aren't I getting any better?  Why am I slowly getting worse?

Why am I so intrinsically rubbish that I can't deal with things when everyone else can?

Why, why why?

Unless of course, I am on the slow "learn those life lessons" road, which apparently will take substantially longer, where I will continue to make the same idiotic mistakes time and time again until I actually bloody learn.  Which I may well never do.  But I'm hopeful.

Why? I just am.  Why not?