Ch...Ch..Ch...Changes

Life has a habit of changing and evolving whilst you merrily skip through it, utterly oblivious. 

Where once you hated olives, you have a sudden hankering for all things meze.  Your love for the lead singer of an indie band waivers when he starts comparing a well known fast food branch to people being shot, and suddenly you wonder if he really could invade Poland whilst retaining your loyalty.

Other things, like a hatred for Bono that verges on the distractingly passionate, or a love of The Muppets that would embarrass you at 37 if you actually gave a shit about these things, remain very much the same. Unchanged. Set in stone. A bit of a comfort.

As someone who constantly awaits her own inevitable upcoming failure and downfall, life is always interesting.  I await karma's punishment for everything I do, for no good deed appears to go unpunished in my world, it's merely a case of whether that punishment is metered out by me or by the universe at large.  The worst of these two options are the punishments I dole out to myself.  I cannot forgive myself for what I would regard in others as attarctive character traits, but in myself I view with abject disgust. It is the downside to being a relatively happy depressive, or the pessimistic optimist if you will.

I have been attempting to change. Not in a huge way, but in the smallest, least significant of ways, I am attempting to build up something resembling a self esteem, something ego shaped; trying to like myself, if you will.  Cripes on a bike it's a challenge, but I am trying (and yes, lawks alone knows I am so very, very trying).

It is the small things, the seemingly insignificant factors that are the things that start to both chip away at your carefully constructed protective walls whilst using those parts to start building a foundation.  The most relevant thing I have done thus far is to not repoint the walls; to allow them to crack, to crumble and to stay that way. 

It's nothing to those of you who believe in yourself, who insist that they deserve good things to happen to them and who have established their right to be in the world by spaying your ego around like a tom cat marking its territory.  For me, who mentally flagellates and physically punishes herself and herself alone for her part in all her deeds, whether good or bad, it is enormous.