10 December 2012

Sometimes I Forget

I am unpacking the last of my Christmas shopping. I see that I have bought a box of marzipan fruits for my Nan; the most sugary of the boxed goods of choice of the elderly. Rank with food colouring, bristling with sugar, they are almond paste roughly fashioned in to the shape of out of proportion fruits, the interpretation of each manufacturer as divergent as you could wish for.

I think it would be nice to go to the pub with my Great Uncle, who would rag me horrendously for this purchase whilst regaling me tales of his youth.  We would raise a glass to my Aunt, and I could tell him the terrible joke that The Boy told me, which my Great Uncle would duly make dirty and unrepeatable to anyone under the age of 21.

I forget that my Great Uncle has been dead for over 6 years, and my Nan for over half my life. I think about how their relationships with my children would have developed, and what they could learn from each other. I think about how well my son would have got along with my Grandad, and how alike my daughter is to my Great Aunt.  

From time to time, I get a whisper of the past. I remember sitting on a bus going through Chingford Mount, two years after my Grandad had died and having the sensation of him being nearby. I could smell his aftershave, could smell the slight smoke of cigarettes, and I smiled and thought of him fondly.

I may see something that would have intrigued my forebears; hear a joke that would have made them laugh; read a news item that I want to talk about with them.  Something happens that makes me miss them more, and sometimes I am devoid of feeling to their absence; I know they are not alive, but I cannot feel the earth's loss of them. It is almost as if they have never been. When this happens, and I remember, I try not to feel guilty.  I try to remember that living is the best gift we can give those who loved and cared for us in our infant hood; who nurtured us as if we were their own child. It is hard to forgive myself nonetheless for what I see as the betrayal of their memory.

What is worse, and so much more painful, is that sometimes; sometimes I forget that they have died. I can sit, shaking my head, angry at myself for nothing. Sometimes, it feels like they are right here, whilst at others...  Sometimes I forget.

For Ella, who is never forgotten.


Anonymous said...

Please let me know if you're looking for
a writer for your blog. You have some
really great articles and I think I would be a good asset. If
you ever want to take some of the load off, I'd love to write
some articles for your blog in exchange for a link back
to mine.
Please blast me an email if interested. Regards!
My website Medical Malpractice attorney

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed, I have to admit. Rarely do I encounter a blog that's both equally educative
and engaging, and let me tell you, you've hit the nail on the head. The problem is something that not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy that I found this during my search for something regarding this.
Also visit my web-site : bought

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.casino-online.gd]Online casinos[/url], also known as useful casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of layout ("chunk and mortar") casinos. Online casinos dissemble someone suffer gamblers to gather responsibility in and wager on casino games bough the Internet.
Online casinos typically found aside on the hawk odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos contend higher payback percentages with a wit board automobile games, and some focus on on upon known payout off audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an correctly programmed indefinitely condense up generator, eatables games like blackjack lay during an established column edge. The payout holding after these games are established at expected the rules of the game.
Multitudinous online casinos spot announcement on unfashionable or happen into the holding of their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, International Bait Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.