Dedication

Roy Castle once said to me, as we sat by the bus stop at Tescos, having met by the apples, mingled in the condiment aisle and trumpet played through the frozen chicken department, that if you want to be the best, and be better than the rest, ooooooo, dedication is what you need.

Sometimes, I concentrate so much on the bigger social picture that I forget to look at the reasons I do things.  I forget that, although I am working towards Goal A, and I am doing it to help various named children, my main focus in doing so is to help The Boy and Lid.

You will forgive me then if, for a time, I stop being about the whole and I start being about the specifics. 

To get to where we are at Wiltshire Towers, there has been sacrifice, and there has been hardships endured.  It seems like very little, but when I look back and see what went before, steps larger than those taken by pioneers in their fields have been achieved.

Sometimes, I forget that.  Sometimes, I think my parenting is so very awful, that I fail my children so constantly, I wonder if I am a good option for them.

I forget that, in order for them to do well, I have to be the one that castigates them, that sets boundaries, that tells them no, that tells them I love them every day, the one that asks them how much I love them so that they will have to say out loud that I love them a lot, the one that kisses them only to find them displaying the humour I wanted them to be imbued with by wiping it off and saying "bleeeuuurrrggghhhh!"

All of these things and more have to be done.  Helping them to speak when I was told it wouldn't happen, hearing they have made a friend on their own terms without mine nor the school's involvement or assistance, seeing them have the confidence to be insolent, even though I don't approve of the action itself.

Watching them, time and time again, almost deliberately confounding every low expectation others have of them, and doing it because they know they are better, they know they can do better.

In every life, shit happens.  To everyone.  Everyone fucks up don't ever doubt that; it's how you recover from it that counts.

Do you give up? Do you just look at it as an opportunity to learn and try again? Do you keep on going, keep having the courage to fuck it up, the courage to make mistakes, or do you just quit?  Do you, constantly, heart breakingly, frustratedly always find an extra something to propel you onwards, to let you have strength to fail again? Or just stop and proclaim no more? 

For me, it's a combination of the two I suppose.  Mostly because I have never learnt that there are things I can't do; I have never learnt that I can fail without learning and getting stronger; I have never learnt how to shut up, only to put up.  There are benefits in being a bitch, and this is one of them.

Dedication people; that's what you need.