Shits and Giggles

Another night, another attempt by a friend to introduce to me someone they believe can become part of the Wiltshire Towers family.

On this night, it is the lovely Dan who has attempted to widen my social circle, by loaning me his best friend as an escort to a comedy festival.

Having spent a day or two ragging the shit out of each other by text, it's quite clear that we will get on, and together we hatch a plan.

"What if", we mused, "we were to orchestrate an elaborate plan against our friend, which suggested that not only did we despise each other but that we expressly blamed Dan for our meeting?"

Thus our non date began; he sent a text saying that he was annoyed he hadn't been warned I am a blonde godzilla; mine bemoaned he was like a brown Telly Savelas.

Next came my enquiring as to why he waxed his arms; he sent one asking why did I start crying when I saw a ginger person on the train?

He then sent one to Dan complaining that I had farted and that he was trapped next to me in the tube carriage; I texted to whinge that there was a horrible smell coming from him and that he was trying to blame it on me.

He had misdirected us into a wood I said, when we were supposed to be going to a park.  I claimed I saw him taking lube out of his pocket and that I was getting frightened.  He then sent one saying that, as part of a shortcut, we had entered some woodlands and that I was freaking out when he took out some lip balm.

On and on we went, with his stating that I was such a cunt he was going to go to the "loo" and leave by climbing out the window. I said that he had been in the toilet for ages and asked if he had a stomach problem. Had he left, I mused?

Meanwhile, poor Dan is hyperventilating into a brown paper bag and forcing Mrs Dan to make regular service station stops so he can vomit piteously into his own crumbling nightmarish world.

It has to be said that, at 3am when we both sent the "we've had sex" texts I started to doubt that it was the best idea, and come midday today when he still wasn't talking to me I felt a tad bad, but hey; it were fecking funny.