A few words of advice from an Auntie

Yesterday, my niece turned 15.

I remember most clearly (in a hazy, foggy, beer goggled way) of the moment I learnt of her birth. I was at University - Freshers Week or some such - totally drunk, and had called my Mum for an update. This was one of the few times I deigned to show up at Uni, so naturally it has stuck in my mind.

I got back to see her 3 weeks later - being utterly devoid of funds to finance a trip home wards like the poor student I was, who was wasting all her cash on beer and such instead.

She had a mass of black curly hair, and was enormously cute. She held on tightly to my finger with one hand with a grin on her face whilst she patted me down for cash, credit cards and other valuables with the other. Nothing has changed much over the years.

So, on this momentous occasion, I would like to offer a few words of wisdom to those of you who have yet to begin the journey of life from someone who has fucked it up beyond all saleable recognition and has always done the complete opposite of all the below.

Firstly - always ALWAYS have enough money in a savings account to pay for a deposit and two months rent. This applies equally to both sexes. If you are living in a situation that is intolerable, you must change it. You must ensure that you have the facility to do so. Save the money to make it happen.

It's a cliche, but it is also true. Nobody can make you feel bad unless you give them permission to do so. I don't mean when your parent's rag on you about being late in or treating the house like a hotel - that's allowed, and when you have kids you will find that the most fun part is getting to pick on them in a similar way. No, I mean that nobody is allowed to talk to you in a way that makes you feel small, worthless or devoid of the right to have feelings.

Know when to walk away. It is a sad fact that the certainties we face in life are, as Mark Twain said, birth, taxes and death. As you go through life, you will drift away from some of your friends. You will have relationships that are utterly disastrous. You will have relationships that are fun and going nowhere. These are all there for you to learn from. The important thing is to recognise when it should be buried and left, and not to return to it every ten minutes so as to dig it up and check for a pulse.

It is natural to hate your parents. Not continuously, but you should despise them for a time to allow you space to grow and move out. Once you have done this, you can start to love them, understand them, and maybe even forgive them.

Always have an older ally. For me, it was my Uncle. Have an older person that you can go and talk to about the nonsense in your head. They know that it's not nonsense, and will reassure you that this is the case. No, you're not mad, you're actually quite sane. Try to remember this.

At some point, you will lose your virginity. There are two ways to do this - with someone you love, or do it and get it out of the way. I did the latter. Do I regret it? Of course not. I will however, say this. If I had only slept with people I loved, I would only have had sex with 4 people rather than the substantially higher number I did have sex with. Whatever way you play it, be safe.

There are better ways to raise your self esteem than by harming yourself. By this I mean sleeping around to make you feel attractive, adopting an eating disorder of purging, starvation or over eating, physical self harm, passing through self deprecation to something a little more sinister, and all things in between and after. Listen - you have a right to be here. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Sometimes, you're going to feel crap about yourself but remember, and this is so true - there is someone who really loves you for who you are, and who totally accepts you as you are. Is it your parents? I hope so. Might be a grandparent, a sibling, an Auntie. One day - make sure that it's you.

Don't rely on a 'when' for you to feel good. OK, so you'll feel better when you finish your exams. You'll buy something for yourself when you lose weight. You'll study better when that bitch isn't teaching you anymore. You know - you won't. 'When' dependent happiness doesn't happen.

Don't rely on a 'who' to make you feel good. As above. However :

Don't write off all romantic entanglements entirely. Remember what we were saying about how relationships end? Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they last forever. Some people come into your life and change your outlook entirely for the better. It's when they try to change you that it's possibly time to make a break for it.

Lastly - It is impossible for certain people to look at you and not still think of you as a baby. Specifically, their baby. For me, when I look at The Midgets, I can't help but want to shout out "I made them in my tummy you know" to anyone who will listen. They will always be my babies - always - and I can't change that, I can only try to hide it. It's hard to do that, and every time someone comes up against your kid, you want to hurt them. But you can't - you have to let your kids take the pain and hurt, which is the worst thing of all. Nobody warns you how much it aches inside to let your kids go through this. Remember that, and try to forgive your parents for this fact.

Spud - happy birthday. We love you.