One of My Midgets is Missing

It seems that I am constantly tapping out angry scribblings regarding Midget 1 and his assorted health professional encounters whilst I rarely contribute anything on Midget 2. I have been informed by some that I clearly don't love Midget 2 as much as I do Midget 1, and that my parenting is lacking in regard to her.

To clear this matter up - I am a terrible, terrible parent. I rest easy that both of the Midgets will probably pay slightly less in therapy fees and medication than I have, but I am awful nonetheless. I am a terrible, terrible parent - to both Midgets. See, that didn't hurt - and it has the added benefit of being true.

Whilst pregnant with Midget 2, Midget 1 had been in intensive care. It seemed possible, as a result of the other patients there, that I was carrying strep b and she could be born infected with hib. Which would mean she wouldn't be alive for very long. Pregnancy was horrible, the birth was the most polite that has ever happened (at crowning, I asked the midwife, and I quote directly "Might I have some gas and air? This rather smarts a little.")

When I gave birth to Midget 2, she was an utter surprise, almost a miracle in fact. I fell in love with her immediately in a way that, to my shame, I didn't with Midget 1.

Midget 2 and I were out of there within 6 hours of her being born. She had reclaimed that date for me, which had awful associations to it, and we would be back in time for me to have a slice of birthday cake the next day. She hasn't stopped screaming from that moment until now.

Midget 2 has always been a miserable old moo of a baby. She despises being little, and her natural age is approximately 72. Whenever she is around the 'elderly', she becomes more animated, as if she remembers them from another time. Her most comfortable environments appear to be with other terminally unhappy people.

She is furious at her lack of motor skills and that her speech hasn't developed at the speed she would like it too. She will not stand if she can sit, and she will not walk if she can be carried. She does not like to be told no. She refuses to be told no - there is little that makes her more infuriated, with the exception of her lack of development as mentioned above.

Should she enter Miss World, her hobbies will include hitting herself in the head and headbutting things (mostly the hardest surface she can find). There will be no 'I love animals and saving the world. It will instead be 'I love screaming loudly and being a bit of tantrum queen. I like to keep Mummy awake and attempt to gouge her eyes out with any item of cutlery I can get my hands on. I enjoy following my big brother around, and love to scream when I can't catch him up. I am at my happiest throwing myself on the ground in public and then screaming as if I am being murdered whilst other people tut and shake their heads disapprovingly at Mummy.

She is a very, very angry baby. She is also a loving, sweet, bonkers little bird who makes her old girl piss herself with laughter. She can light up a room with her smile, and has an infectious laugh more deadly to maintaining a straight face than a Les Dawson box set. She is curious, smart, stubborn, strong willed, and so clever that her intelligence surpassed mine when she was about 6 months old. She is persistent, determined, and utterly, utterly brilliant.

She is so incredibly naughty that I can only possibly admire her for it. She is destined to be a tomboy. Midget 2 will be the first female wrestler to take on the big boys of the WWF and succeed.

She's also very sensitive, caring and hugely hugely violent. I couldn't love her more if I tried, regardless of my sarcasms directed at her. She's pretty much going to be her mother's daughter, and I think we can all only feel sympathy for her on that one.

Truly - I think she's utterly fabulous. Just please - don't tell her I said so.