Eternal Mentalness of The Bloodshot Mind

One of the most irritating parts of my experience of depression is the dwelling on things. I can happily have stored all manner of things away in boxes with mental post it notes on them in my imaginary cupboard, and then a gust of wind will slam the door, the post it notes fall off and suddenly I am having to sift through the bloody things again so I can label them up correctly.

I try not to look inside properly, but sometimes my attention will get caught by something that appears to be too spangly to be inside such a box. Inevitably, on closer examination, it was really quite tarnished and not even the most enthusiastic silver restorer could have done anything to polish that metaphorical turd.

A few years ago, there was a claim that a pill had been invented that could eradicate bad memories, allowing us to shake them, Etch a Sketch style to remove that which we deem no longer necessary. There are also claims that cellular memory removal may achieve the same deed.

It sounds bloody awful. As much as I wish some of the crapper things hadn't happened, I don't believe for a minute that I would be who I am without them (which could be perceived as either a blessing or a curse as far as my Marmite personality is concerned), and my kids certainly wouldn't be as marvelous as they are if I didn't have a template of what I wanted to avoid for them.

The choice would be medicate to eradicate, medicate to cope, or no medication and see what happens. I have to go with the middle choice. Needing to function results in having to cope, for a control freak like me it is inconceivable not to function and therefore it is a necessity. I can't take chances on my depressive moods when I have two children, less so as those children are disabled and they deserve consistency.

At 3 am in the morning, when I am lying in bed suffering with total obsession over nonsense, it would be nice to be able to remove that part which causes me pain. If the risk might be to lose that which made me happy - I'll suffer the eternal mentalness, thanks.