How Not To Be Cool

There are many areas in which I do not excel. Rather than list my almost unending list of failures, I instead give to you my FAIL PROOF GUIDE OF HOW NOT TO BE COOL.


This comes from years of research, social failure and extreme embarrassment. Please note that this is merely a guide. Further input is welcomed.
Always have a toy of some description about your personage that you can present to your companions. Ensure that your companions do not have children, and thus will look at you as if you are insane.
This works on many levels. It separates the social wheat from the chaff. Sadly, you will find yourself amongst the chaff, as your companions' eyes increasingly bore into you and you can see them mentally asking themselves how they can get away from you, possibly erasing both the evening and you from their memory. Remember, if the toy you produce has wheels, you must "drive" it making the appropriate sounds as you do so. If it makes a noise, you must make said toy squeak out its sound unrepentantly. Either way, your friends will uncomfortably shift away from you whilst avoiding eye contact with The Crazy Lady.
Make a fuss of any and all animals you see.
This marks you out as Crazy Cat Chick or Mad Mutt Man. Again, your cool points are plummeting here, so be sure to use this skill often.

Get extremely excited if the pub you are in serves Monster Munch, Quavers or other childhood favourites.
Whoop your delight at seeing your childhood favorite, possibly do a small seat based dance whilst barely attempting to mask your excitement. Your companions, who will go out much more than you do anyway due to their superior social skills, will either pat you on the head fondly (unlikely) whilst trying to get you to scoff a packet of Mccoys, or will launch into a vitriolic diatribe about how corn based savoury snacks are not proper pub snacks. You are allowed, if the latter is performed, to judge your companions and judge them harshly.

On seeing Christmas decorations in the street, "oooo" and "ahhhh" loudly, and do such a sharp intake of joyous breath, those around you think a giant spider has landed on their heads.
Nobody cool wants to admit just how cool sparkly lights are. But they are cool, we know that. On this one, the coolios are the losers my friend.

Be sure to arrive at arty farty affairs packed to the rafters with children's sweets - not that you'll have any kids with you; you are carrying the sweeties for your own use.
This works particularly well at art exhibitions, cinema premieres, and intimate dinners for two at exclusive restaurants.
Arrive at gay bars and be so melancholic that you make it look as if Judy Garland merely had a bit of a sad day.
Ensure that you go on relentlessly about some bastard that you fancy that doesn't fancy you, plot with the lovely gay boys about starting a web site called "*** ####e## that don't fancy me and are probably gay the fucking cunts and yes, I know that he's just not into me but I am entitled to whine about it for fuck's sake" . com. Then, halfway through your increasingly drunken diatribe, hear The Smiths in the background and shout, loudly and in a high pitched voice "oooo! It's Mozza!" This will certainly not mark you out as an enormously uncool cunt.

Freely admit that you like television that is perceived as a bit chavvy.
Then I'll get to laugh at you as I only watch repeats on Dave and "Family Guy" and "American Dad" on BBC3.