Selective Feminism

Did anyone manage to read Ellie Levenson's piece in The Sunday Times about her feminist wedding? Without getting extremely angry, that is.

When did any of the progress we as a gender made come spiralling down to whether or not somebody gets married? Why are so many women determined to undermine the way their sisters conduct themselves? Who says that any of us have the right to judge how others live their lives?

There appears to be a vast confusion as to the breadth of feminism and how it can be interpreted.

Let me give you the example of myself. I have never been married, partly because I have never been asked, but also as I have some issues relating to it as a concept. Most of my brain is on side with the ideology that it is an outmoded institution, but I refuse to pretend that the part of me that would love a pretty dress and a big cake doesn't exist. Does this compromise my feminist credentials?

I have two children, both born "out of wedlock" and both by different fathers. By stating this, I have just identified myself as a benefit claiming, uneducated amoebae haven't I? What's feminist about that?

My first child was born of a seven year relationship, where the father cheated on me. I found out I was pregnant with my second child whilst my first child was in PICU at St Mary's Hospital. I had known her father for many years (he was my best friend), and a relationship had developed that resulted in my getting pregnant. Were it not for the fact that my son was seriously ill at the time, and had I not had a previous experience of it that damaged me emotionally for some time after, I would have had a termination.

I had had a bad experience previously, it did damage me quite badly psychologically, and I did not feel that it was the right action for me. I remain staunchly pro choice, but to have another abortion was not something that I could do at that time.

I am very well educated, and I have paid for all that education myself. I didn't receive any money from my eldest child's father in maintenance, and despite my continued efforts to ensure they had a relationship (which even saw me, after many upsetting incidents when he came to visit my son in my home, move all future visits to a contact centre to attempt to facilitate that), he chose to stop seeing my son when he was around 18 months old.

Throughout this time, I was the provider for my son. After having my daughter, regardless of the fact that I was in a loving relationship, I remained the main breadwinner until it came to a point where I was unable to find decent childcare for the children. Someone had to leave work, and my partner couldn't "handle" our daughter's temper tantrums, so despite my earning more I left my job to look after my children. I now work nights in a job that I am academically over qualified for, but am lucky to have in this economic climate. I would like to re-train to work with children as I happen to like them, but this will be dependent on my daughter settling into primary school, and my son's continued success in mainstream school. I am putting my career "on hold" for my children, a move I have no doubt is not perceived as a feminist one.

I house share with two of men, both of whom I cook dinner for and will do their washing if I am putting a load on. I do all the household chores. I also do all the maintenance, gardening, and 'fixing' jobs.

I find it offensive when other women decide to interpret feminism as their idea of sexual freedom. That isn't feminism. To make it very clear, I am not saying that women should be judged for having a number of sexual partners, casual or not, nor should they be judged for how they conduct their personal lives. However, by saying that, I don't really understand how they can dare to criticise others for interpreting (and it is a matter of interpretation, often of compromise as your situation changes) how they are feminist when their own interpretations are so desperately narrow. I find it even more offensive when feminist men do it.

One more example that is just about me - I will only put my name to things of which I am proud.

I am proud of this blog as I may be able to help others beginning their journey through the autism minefield. That is why I have put my name on it. There is nothing I write here that I am ashamed of, thus I don't feel the need to adopt a nom du plume to protect my identity or that of anyone else I write about.

Those two children I mentioned above - one of whom I had when my relationship had ended, the other born within a very loving relationship. Both of them have my last name. With my second child, despite my offering (although desperately hoping he wouldn't agree, it was only fair that I offer) that she could have his last name, he insisted that she have mine, as he said that "the world needs another strong Wiltshire woman in it."

When I read some of the things that I have seen about feminism, I get angry, and it makes me slightly disconcerted for both my children. Men and women are, and should be viewed as, equals. The only way to change our society is through love, focused and true, with women supporting each other and not pouring condemnation on each other's way of living, whatever that entails.

Perhaps a little more of feminists like Valenti and a lot less of feminists like Levenson, who appear to only want women to act in a way if which they approve.